


Drown It Out, Drink It In

by gehirnstuerm



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Grief, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-13
Updated: 2011-06-13
Packaged: 2017-10-20 09:28:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gehirnstuerm/pseuds/gehirnstuerm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Matt dies, Danny is devastated. Steve does all he can to help him pick up the pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drown It Out, Drink It In

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to **LacrimaDraconis** for read-throughs and encouragement and **wattle_neurotic** for the speedy beta!

Danny gets the call on a Monday afternoon.

It’s a perfectly normal Monday for Five-0 standards; actually it’s one of the quiet days. Steve and Danny are just climbing the steps to headquarters after interviewing a couple of potential witnesses for their current case. Danny is good-naturedly bitching about Steve’s driving skills, while Steve is cheerfully arguing back. They’re both in a good mood, because no one got shot, they’re making progress on the case and Steve is actually thinking about calling it a day and sending his team home early.

But then Danny’s phone starts ringing and everything goes to hell.

Steve can see a slight frown appear on his partner’s face when he checks the display.

“Williams,” Danny says into the receiver and after a beat he just stops in his tracks.

Instantly alarmed, Steve whips around, just to see a look on Danny’s face that makes his stomach drop. Something has happened, something bad, it’s written all over Danny’s features, visible in the set of his of his shoulders. He is standing stock-still while he listens, holding his phone in a white-knuckled grip.

“Yes, I understand,” Danny says in a flat tone. “Yes, thanks. Thanks for letting me know.”

As if in slow motion, his hand holding the phone sinks. Steve can see Danny is breathing hard as he stares at the display for a few long moments, and it makes his own heart beat faster in fear.

“Danny? What happened?” Steve demands, even though he’s dreading the answer.

When Danny finally turns to look at Steve, he is pale as a ghost, his eyes wide with shock. “I.. I need some fresh air,” he murmurs and takes off.

Steve is hot on his heels when he bounds down the stairs and out of the building, so he’s right there when Danny stops in the parking lot next to the Camaro. Danny leans forward and braces his hands on his knees, as if he’s either trying to catch his breath or fighting the urge throw up. Steve is getting more worried by the second.

“Danny?” Steve tries again. “What is it? Is Grace okay?”

“It’s Matt,” Danny gasps. “He’s --”

“Oh my God,” Steve breathes.

Danny doesn’t have to finish the sentence for Steve to know that his partner has just received the news of his brother’s death.

“What... I mean, how...?” Steve doesn’t even find the right words to ask. They deal with death every single day, but this is different.

Danny straightens for a moment, but only to sit down heavily on the hood of car. He swallows and Steve can see that his partner is looking nauseous.

“He... he was shot. Some money laundering deal apparently went awry, I don’t know. He was back in the States, in Jersey.” Danny shakes his head a little dazedly and rubs a hand over his face. “That was the captain of my old police department on the phone. He’ll fill me in on the details later.” When he finally looks up to meet Steve’s eyes, his pained expression makes Steve’s insides clench. “I don’t even know what to do,” Danny says weakly. “I guess I have to go home.”

Steve nods. “Of course! Take the plane tonight, I’ll give you a lift to the airport.”

 

***

 

It’s early evening when Steve picks Danny up at his apartment complex. Danny’s expression is blank when he throws his luggage on the backseat of the truck and climbs into the passenger seat. During the drive he keeps gazing out of the window and doesn’t say a word. He’s just sitting there, staring at the road ahead of them with hollow eyes, his lips pressed into a thin line.

The silence in the car feels heavy and it makes Steve jittery, but he doesn’t know how to fill it. He would love to say something profound, say the right thing to make everything miraculously better, but he can’t. These magic words most probably don’t exist - he sure as hell can’t think of anything that would have made him feel better right after he received the news of his mother’s death. It’s been so many years and the memory of that day still makes his gut twist. Thinking of what’s ahead of Danny, what he and his family will have to go through, is almost worse somehow.

He knows Danny well, he knows that whenever Danny gets really upset or worried, he’s quiet, subdued. It’s disconcerting, to say the least, but usually Steve doesn’t have to wait long for Danny to say something, to express himself in one way or another.

That’s the difference between him and Danny: His partner needs to get his emotions out in the open eventually, let them out, talk about them, as if it would kill him to keep everything bottled up inside him. Steve on the other hand likes to cram bad thoughts and emotions into a distant corner of his mind, store them neatly away. He knows it isn’t healthy, but his method has allowed him to function throughout the darkest times of his life. Things have been a bit different since he’s met Danny, though. Danny really has a way to draw him out, to coax Steve out of his shell.

But now it’s Danny who doesn’t talk. Feeling helpless, Steve keeps flicking glances in Danny’s direction whenever he can afford taking his eyes off the road, only to find the same faraway expression on his face.

Danny still hasn’t said a word when Steve pulls his truck into a spot on the airport’s short-term parking lot. Danny blinks as if coming out of a reverie.

“Thanks for dropping me off,” he murmurs and reaches for the door.

“Hey,” Steve says and touches Danny’s shoulder, causing the other man to pause. “Call me when you get there. Or... or if you need anything. Just call me, okay?”

Danny meets his eyes for a moment and gives him a curt nod. “Okay. Thanks.” With that, he gets out of the car, grabs his luggage and starts walking towards the doors.

Steve watches him disappear inside the airport building with an oddly queasy feeling inside his stomach.

 

***

 

Focusing on work the following day is not an easy task. It’s a slow day dedicated to paperwork, which makes it worse in a way. For Steve, physical exertion has always been the best distraction.

But now he can’t stop thinking about Danny and the look on his face when he got the call. He can’t stop imagining what he must be going through now, surrounded by his grieving family, dealing with all the preparations for the funeral. Knowing Danny, he probably feels obligated to take matters in his own hands, to manage everything and notify people of Matt’s death. He’s the oldest of the Williams’ children and Steve is afraid that Danny feels responsible for what happened to his little brother. Of course he shouldn’t, but that’s easier said than done, Steve knows that all too well.

He’d been there when his father was killed. Rationally, Steve knows that Hesse would have shot him no matter what. But even today, there’s a little voice inside Steve’s head wondering if he could have done things differently. The guilt is just one of the things that make the grief for his father so difficult to deal with. The relationship with him was complicated. With today’s knowledge, Steve understands why he made certain decisions, why he decided to send Mary and him away, but a part of him still resents his father for it.

It was different when Steve’s mother died. It had felt like the rug had been pulled from under Steve. One minute he was a carefree teenager with decent grades, loving parents and an annoying little sister who he loved dearly, the next he felt like his world had ended. And in a way it had, because it was never the same again. Even before he and Mary were sent to the mainland, Steve’s family had fallen apart. With his mother gone forever, his father had become distant. Mary had started acting out in her grief and Steve had withdrawn from everyone and focused on other things; first on school and sports, later on his naval training.

Danny shouldn’t have to go through all this pain. The mere thought makes Steve sick to his stomach.

The past twelve months have been hard on all of them, but Steve feels like they have been particularly difficult for Danny. On top of all the trouble Five-0 had to face, Danny had to deal with the fall-out with Matt, his own near-death experience, the crash and burn of his second try with Rachel and the disappointment of her false-positive pregnancy test.

Things were just starting to look good again. Work has been different with the new Governor; not always easy, but all the problems seem to have welded the entire team even closer together - especially him and Danny. People have been joking about them acting like a married couple before, but ever since Steve got out of prison, they have spent even less time apart than they used to. In fact, Danny spends more nights in Steve’s guest room than at his own apartment and Steve wouldn’t want it any other way.

Whenever Danny isn’t around, Steve misses him. This is hardly news and it stopped worrying him a long time ago. But right now, not being with Danny feels particularly wrong. Steve feels like he should be in New Jersey with Danny, to support him and have his back like Danny always has Steve’s.

Of course, Steve knows that Danny isn’t alone in New Jersey, far from it. He’s surrounded by family and friends, people he’s known all his life. This is what initially kept him from offering to accompany Danny on his trip to New Jersey. Sure, he is Danny’s partner and they have become very close, but Steve doesn’t want to intrude and it probably wouldn’t be appropriate to follow him.

But on the other hand, the whole thing between them is pretty far away from what’s usually considered appropriate or normal for a platonic friendship between two guys. Steve knows this, but he isn’t sure if Danny is aware of it, too. It doesn’t matter, because either way, Steve can’t shake the feeling that Danny could use his support right now and the longer he thinks about it, the more he’s itching to get himself on a plane.

 

***

Wednesday night Steve’s phone finally buzzes, the picture on the display identifying Danny as the caller. It’s almost 9 PM already, which means it’s in the middle of the night in Jersey.

Steve’s heart is beating fast when he grabs the phone. “Danny?”

“Hey,” Danny says. “Have you blown up the islands yet?” His familiar voice sounds exhausted and Steve detects the tiniest trace of a slur.

Steve smiles. “No, don’t worry. I’m behaving myself.”

There’s a short silence, but it isn’t uncomfortable. A little click followed by a soft hiss tells Steve that Danny has opened a new beer bottle.

“Hey,” Steve starts. “How’s everyone holding up?”

There’s a sigh on the other end of the line. “Barely. Everyone’s keeping busy, I guess.”

Steve nods, even though Danny can’t see him. “The funeral.”

“Yeah,” Danny answers. “A lot to do, stuff to organize. It’s on Friday.” There’s a pause and Steve can hear Danny draw a deep breath. “I don’t even want to think about it. I have no idea how to get my mother through this when I’m scared shitless myself. Fuck.”

That’s all Steve needs to hear to make the decision.

 

***

 

Usually Steve can sleep everywhere. As a soldier, he has slept at the unlikeliest of places, so an airplane shouldn’t be a problem, but now that he’s on the night flight to Newark, he can’t seem to relax enough to get some shut-eye.

He’s been nervous all day and Steve is pretty sure he annoyed the hell out of his team. But when he’d announced his plans to Chin and the others, they hadn’t asked any questions; like Steve flying to New Jersey for two days to support Danny was the most natural thing in the world.

And maybe it is, but as soon as the plane is in the air, Steve is having second thoughts. What if Danny doesn’t want him there? What if he gets mad? What if Danny’s family takes offence by some stranger intruding?

Of course, there’s no going back now. Steve still spends almost ten hours worrying about Danny’s reaction, only interrupted by short periods of fitful sleep and bad memories of his parents’ funerals.

It’s almost noon when he finally lands in Newark. His eyes are bleary, his bones seem to creak and he feels utterly exhausted, but Steve has had worse. Sleep will have to wait, anyway. He has to hurry, because there’s hardly enough time to rent a car, drive to Danny’s neighborhood, check into a hotel, and have a quick shower. Even if everything goes smoothly, he will most likely miss the memorial ceremony.

 

***

 

As expected, the memorial service is already over when Steve arrives at the cemetery, but from afar he can see people are gathering near a grave.

When he approaches, Steve is relieved to see the large number of guests, even though Danny had talked about having a private ceremony. Then again, the Williams’ are a big family and Matt probably had a lot of friends. Steve is able to blend in with the mourners without attracting too much attention. He has decided against his dress blues and opted for a simple black suit for the same reason. Steve just wants to be here without intruding, make his presence known to Danny, show his support and nothing else.

Steve doesn’t really hear what is said during the short burial. It’s childish and he doesn’t really do it on purpose, but ever since he had to bury his mother, he tends to zone out whenever he has to attend a funeral and focus on certain unimportant details instead of what’s really going on. Of course, this time there’s no need to look for distraction. Steve is here because of Danny, so he’s trying to get a glimpse at his partner over the shoulders of the people in front of him.

It doesn’t take him long to spot him in the front row, and even though Steve can only see his back, the tension in Danny’s shoulders is obvious. A small woman with graying hair, probably Danny’s mother, is standing next to him. Her shoulders are slumped and from the looks of it she’s holding onto Danny’s arm for dear life. Danny doesn’t move at all, he’s standing perfectly still for most of the burial, until his mother’s shoulders start shaking and he reaches out to wrap his arms around her.

Steve’s throat feels oddly constricted all of a sudden.

 

***

 

The mourners start scattering shortly after the burial has come to an end. Steve stays in the background and watches Danny’s parents and sisters turning to leave. Danny is still talking to the pastor, but it looks like he’s about to join his family. When he looks in Steve’s general direction, he does a double take.

Steve all but shuffles his feet when Danny approaches him. He isn’t wearing his dress blues either, like Steve he has decided on a black suit instead.

“What are you doing here?” Danny asks, but to Steve’s endless relief he doesn’t sound angry at all.

“Moral support?” Steve offers with a sheepish grin, which earns him a faint smile that doesn’t quite reach Danny’s eyes. He looks tired and worn out.

“Don’t you have work to do?” Danny sounds tired too, and it makes something inside Steve ache.

“I’m leaving again tomorrow,” Steve shrugs. “Chin, Kono and Jenna won’t even have time to miss me.”

“You are a crazy person, I swear to God,” Danny snorts softly, shaking his head. “I appreciate it though,” he adds quietly before he clears his throat. “Come on, let’s go!”

Steve blinks. “Go where?”

“Everyone’s going to my family’s place now. There will be food!”

Steve hesitates. “I don’t know, Danny. I don’t want to intrude...”

“Don’t be ridiculous, McGarrett!” Danny drawls, waving his hand dismissively. “You just spent almost 10 hours on a plane - the least I can do is offer you some food. Besides, my family would be pissed if I didn’t introduce the madman they keep hearing about.”

 

***

 

There are a lot of people gathered at the Williams’ family home.

The house looks pretty nondescript from the outside, but it’s lovely inside. It’s nice to see the place where Danny grew up, but Steve instantly regrets that he didn’t come here under different circumstances. The furniture is old but well cared for, there are a lot of flowers in vases and everywhere Steve looks, there are pictures of different members of Danny’s vast family smiling down on him.

From the looks of it, the Williams’ clan is a cheerful bunch - not that Steve had thought otherwise - and Steve can almost imagine the bustling that must go on in this house around the holidays, when everyone returns home. Almost everyone. Steve grimaces when he spots a picture of Danny and Matt as teenagers. Danny must have seen it, too, because he hastily turns away.

Danny was right, though: His family is happy to meet Steve, in fact they seem to be grateful for the distraction. Steve shakes hands with Danny’s father, a tough-looking man in his sixties with gray hair and the same kind blue eyes that Danny has, and expresses his condolences to Danny’s mother. She’s a small but resolute looking woman with lines around her eyes suggesting that she spent a lot of time in her life laughing. Now she looks as tired and worn out as her oldest son, but she smiles up at Steve bravely and she sounds sincere when she thanks him for coming. Steve briefly talks to Danny’s sisters, too. Anna seems to be in her late twenties and Debbie looks like she’s in her early thirties. While Debbie looks a lot like Danny, Anna is on the taller side, has darker hair and brown eyes and clearly resembles Matt.

Steve mingles a little, but he never lets Danny out of his sight. His partner talks to family members and acquaintances left and right, but Steve can see his smiles are forced and the set of his shoulders is tense. The general mood among the crowd is subdued, but there’s laughter, too. Steve gets it, he does. He knows that everyone’s relieved the funeral is over and that these gatherings aren’t meant to be all sad. He’s been to a lot of funerals - far too many of them, - but he could never get used to this part, the one that’s supposed to be easier than the rest.

Steve’s memories of his mother’s funeral are way too vivid for his own liking. He remembers the tension, the helpless anger he felt that day and how he couldn’t bear seeing all these people in their home, laughing and eating. He couldn’t stand talking to them, so eventually he just fled.

It looks like Danny is feeling the same. His mouth is turned downward and he’s probably clenching and unclenching his fists, hidden from view in the pockets of his suit pants.

By the time Steve pulls him away from the crowd, Danny is practically vibrating with tension.

“You need a drink?” Steve offers and Danny nods, gritting his teeth.

“Yeah, I need drinks. Plural. Not here though. I need to get out of here.”

 

***

 

Half an hour later Steve pulls the rental car into his hotel’s parking lot. Danny was sick of people and didn’t want to see anyone, so a bar was out of the question. The peace and quiet of Steve’s hotel room appealed to Danny, so they decided to go there and pick up some booze on the way.

The second Danny enters the room, he shrugs off his suit jacket, drops it unceremoniously on the floor and tugs his tie loose. He drops down on the bed with a groan and covers his eyes with his forearm. “Thank God. No more people.”

Steve stands in the middle of the room, a little unsure of what to do next. With Danny sprawling on the bed like this, the lack of seating furniture becomes very apparent.

But Danny is sitting up again, scooting backwards on the bed until his back rests against the headboard. “Bring on the booze, McGarrett! What are you waiting for?” Danny demands, but there’s no force behind his words. Once again Steve notices how exhausted Danny looks.

“We don’t have any glasses,” Steve says, still standing in the middle of the room holding the whiskey bottle in his hand, which earns him an eye-roll from Danny.

“Screw the glasses,” he says. “Get your ass here and hand me the bourbon!”

Danny practically yanks the bottle out of Steve’s hand when he finally sits down on the bed next to Danny. He lifts the bottle to his lips and gulps down a generous amount of liquid before lowering it again and offering the whiskey to Steve.

“So, uhm, you wanna talk?” Steve tries, but he only gets a humorless laugh from Danny.

“No, I really don’t. What I want is to get thoroughly shit-faced. And I want you to get equally shit-faced, so I won’t feel quite as bad for getting drunk in the afternoon.”

“I can do that,” Steve says and lifts the bottle to his own mouth. The cheap whiskey burns in his throat and the bitter aftertaste makes him grimace.

He will regret this tomorrow, Steve is sure of it. He isn’t used to hard liquors anymore and he can almost feel the impending hangover already, but for some reason Steve feels like it’s his duty to match Danny sip for sip, like suffering the same after-effects of too much cheap alcohol is the least he can do for his friend.

They drink in silence, passing the bottle back and forth between them. They have both kicked off their shoes and now they’re half-sitting, half-lying on the bed, their backs barely propped up against the headboard. The bottle is almost finished and Steve is really starting to feel it. His vision has become a little blurry around the edges and Steve is pretty sure walking in a straight line could pose a problem. Good thing he isn’t planning on getting up any time soon, he muses, his thoughts feeling sticky and slow like molasses.

Steve is almost startled when Danny suddenly breaks the silence.

“I should have gotten a hotel room, too,” Danny says.

Steve turns to look at Danny, but it takes him a moment to focus. Danny’s cheeks are flushed and his eyes are glazed over from the alcohol. When he continues, there’s an edge to his voice.

“I can’t... I sleep in the same room I used to share with Matt when we were kids. Did you know that?” Danny’s expression is pained and Steve winces in sympathy. “I don’t want to go back,” Danny mumbles quietly, averting his eyes.

“Then don’t,” Steve answers without thinking. “You can stay here, if you want.”

Instead of answering, Danny is watching him with a strange expression. Steve can’t quite place it, but he’s also fascinated by the way Danny’s carefully gelled hair is just the slightest bit mussed.

Steve must have been more distracted than he’d thought, because Danny is so much closer than before and then Danny’s mouth is on his. All of a sudden they’re in the middle of a kiss and he’s not quite sure how this happened. But it’s wet and hot and perfect and one of Steve’s hands has already found its way into Danny’s hair. The other one has slid underneath his collar, where the first few shirt buttons have become undone.

It takes Steve’s brain a few moments to catch up with the new development and its implications, but once it finally does, Steve breaks the kiss. “Danny! What-?”

Danny’s face is still very close and his intense gaze makes it impossible for Steve to look away.

“Tell me you don’t want this... tell me you haven’t wanted this for a long time,” Danny breathes and of course Steve won’t argue with that. He wants this, he wants Danny, has wanted him almost since Day One.

But even drunk and with Danny pretty much on top of him, Steve is dimly aware that this is not a good idea, they shouldn’t do it now, not like this, not when the timing is so profoundly bad.

He must have said as much, because Danny’s expression changes. He looks at Steve with a earnest and way too vulnerable look in his eyes. “I know,” he says, his voice soft, pleading. “I know, Steve, but... please? I need this right now.”

Steve can’t help kissing him then, because it’s painful to see him hurt and Danny shouldn’t beg, when Steve would be willing to give him everything he’s got and more.

This time the kiss starts out sweet and gentle, almost a little chaste, but it gets more and more urgent by the second. It’s easy to get lost in a rush of sensations when Danny is all over him, trailing kisses along his jaw and down his neck, sucking a patch of skin between his teeth, possibly leaving a mark. When Danny pushes his thigh between Steve’s legs and pulls him into another searing kiss, all reasonable thought is forgotten.

Steve is feeling dizzy, lightheaded, but he suspects it isn’t from the alcohol alone. Danny’s body this close to him, his warmth seeping through the thin layers of clothing, Danny’s unique scent filling his nose... it’s intoxicating and Steve doesn’t want to stop, wants to have it all.

 

***

 

When Steve wakes up, the first thing he notices is a pounding headache. He feels sore all over and his mouth tastes like something has crawled inside and died along the way. Usually he goes from sleep to fully alert in mere seconds, but now even opening his eyes seems like too much of an effort.

Steve blinks and for a few hazy, disoriented moments he isn’t sure where he is, but then everything is coming back to him. The funeral and the bourbon, the look on Danny’s face and his lips on Steve’s mouth, Danny’s fingers unzipping his pants, the feel of Danny’s hands gripping his hips...

Steve swallows and briefly squeezes his eyes shut, before he slowly turns his head to the right.

The space next to him is empty and when Steve reaches over, he can feel that the sheets are cold. Steve sits up and lets his gaze wander across the hotel room. Judging from the light filtering into the room, it must be early in the morning. He spots his own clothes in a rumpled heap next to the bed, but Danny’s clothes are all gone. Steve remembers the exact spot where he dropped Danny’s shirt, followed by his tie, but now it’s almost as if Danny had never been here.

But then Steve notices a piece of paper on his night stand. It looks like some kind of cash receipt with a note scribbled on its back and Steve instantly recognizes Danny’s almost illegible scrawl.

 _Have a safe flight. See you in a couple of days._

 

***

 

Never has a flight felt longer than this particular one from Newark back to Honolulu. The splitting headache from this morning has evolved into a full-blown hangover with all imaginable side-effects, but the worst is the queasy feeling in Steve’s stomach. He is pretty sure it has less to do with the amount of alcohol he consumed last night than with his guilty conscience.

Steve has tried to call Danny all morning, but his attempts to reach him were fruitless. First there was simply no answer and later his calls went straight to voicemail. He has left Danny a few messages of the “Hi, it’s me, call me if you get this!” variety, but by the time Steve’s flight took off past noon it was pretty obvious that Danny had no desire to talk to him.

And it’s not like he can blame him. Steve could kick himself for being so reckless. He followed Danny to Jersey to show his support, which he did, but he ended up making everything worse, just because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. Sure, Danny seemed to want it as bad as Steve did, he even initiated it, but he was still in a vulnerable position and Steve should have hit the break somewhere along the line.

They were probably heading in this direction for quite some time, but it shouldn’t have happened like this. All potential of what could have been between them is in all likelihood shot to hell now. Most importantly, this incident has unnecessarily complicated things between them, now that Danny really just needs a friend to have his back.

Steve has royally fucked up, there’s no denying it.

 

***

 

Going back to work on Monday is nothing short of torturous. Steve is moody, because he still hasn’t talked to Danny and of course the others want to know how Danny is doing, how he’s holding up, when he’ll be back. Steve answers their questions while trying not be obviously evasive, but the look on Chin’s face tells him he’s failing miserably.

Steve knows he’s being a pain in the ass. Over the following days he keeps snapping at his team for no apparent reason and instantly regretting it, but he can’t seem to help himself. So far, no one has addressed the problem yet. The others seems to sense that something is up, Steve sees the glances they’re exchanging, but he also knows it won’t take long until someone loses their patience with him.

It’s just that Steve is agonizing so much about both Danny’s situation in general and the night they spent together in particular that a feeling of constant queasiness has settled inside his belly.

Steve just wants a life sign from Danny, that’s all. Not knowing what’s going on with Danny is killing him.

It’s Thursday, when he finally hears from him. He’s about to leave work when his phone buzzes and informs him of a new text message.

 _Will be back soon. Stop worrying about me. And the hotel. I’m OK. We’re OK._

Steve breathes deeply and rubs a hand over his face. He’s unsure of what to make of the message - it definitely doesn’t put his mind at ease. The message does relieve his guilty conscience a little and when Danny confirms that things are okay between them, he gladly wants to believe it.

But the fact that Danny chose to text him despite his loathing for his phone and its tiny keys is a testament to how badly he wants to avoid talking. He sure as hell isn’t fine and how could he be?

All Steve can do now is wait for Danny’s return. It’s going to be a long week.

 

***

 

When Danny turns up at headquarters the following Monday, it’s a bit of a shock and the surprise takes Steve’s breath away for a moment.

Steve had expected to get a call from Danny announcing his arrival or even a request for a lift from the airport, but there was none of that. Instead Danny just appears and walks towards Steve’s office, where Steve is sitting at his desk. He come to stand in the doorway, his hands hidden within his pants pockets.

Danny is looking even worse than when Steve last saw him. There are dark smudges under his eyes and his complexion is ashen underneath his three-day stubble. He doesn’t say anything, just stands there, while Steve tries to keep from fidgeting and think of adequate words.

It’s still early in the morning, so there’s no one else at the office. Steve had hoped to get a chance to talk to Danny alone when he got back, but faced with Danny’s blank expression, he suddenly wishes Chin, Kono and Jenna were there.

“You’re back,” Steve says lamely and Danny nods.

“Landed last night,” he adds, not quite meeting Steve’s eyes.

Neither of them says a word for a few long moments and the silence is loaded. Steve doesn’t know what to say. Should he ask how Danny is doing when it is painfully obvious? Sooner or later they probably should talk about what happened at the hotel, but understandably, Danny doesn’t look like discussing it is very high on his list right now.

It’s Danny who clears his throat and speaks again. “So, what are we working on?”

Steve lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He could kick himself for losing his nerves so spectacularly, but he latches gratefully onto the familiar subject of work and fills Danny in on what he’s missed during his absence. He just hopes there will be other opportunities to test the waters and see how Danny is holding up.

 

Said opportunities don’t come, though. Danny is strained and withdrawn, he hardly talks and the little he says is always related to their case. Every attempt of a personal approach is shut down immediately, no matter who’s trying. Steve wonders if he should be glad that it’s not just him Danny is pushing away, but as a matter of fact, he would endure any awkwardness between him and Danny if he only knew that Danny confided in Chin, Kono or Jenna.

The situation doesn’t get any better over the next couple of days. In fact, the opposite is true: Danny turns up at the office bleary-eyed and probably hung-over morning after morning. His stubble is slowly but surely growing into an actual beard and sometimes Danny doesn’t even bother with wearing a tie. Under the present circumstances Steve finds this more disturbing than anything else.

He gets the impression that Danny is running on bourbon and caffeine alone these days, and he can’t remember the last time he has seen his partner eat. Danny is moody and thin-skinned and whenever he can get away with it, he hides in his office and talks to no one.

It hurts to see Danny like this; Steve can hardly bear it. Chin, Jenna and Kono keep exchanging worried glances, and Steve knows they’re expecting him to do something, but he simply doesn’t know what to do. Steve doesn’t want to put pressure on Danny, wants to give him the time and space he needs.

 

***

It’s in the field where it becomes more than obvious that Danny can’t go on like this. Steve is now the one who has to keep Danny reined in, a role he isn’t comfortable with. Danny has always been a hothead, but he was the voice of reason when it counted, when Steve needed someone to point him the right way.

Now Danny’s temper sometimes gets the best of him in a way that threatens to interfere with their work.

It’s all in the realm of tolerable, though - until one day Danny loses it spectacularly during a hand-to-hand with a perp.

It’s a nasty fight and the blows Danny receives definitely justify beating the other guy to the ground. But Danny doesn’t stop. He keeps punching him in the face until Steve and Chin bodily remove him from the scene and even then he keeps struggling against their grip. Steve has to yell to get through to him.

“Danny! Calm the fuck down!”

Danny freezes and just stares at Steve, like he’s just coming back to his senses. He deflates quickly, visibly shocked by what he just did.

“You should go home,” Steve says softly and squeezes his partner’s shoulder.

Danny doesn’t argue.

 

***

 

Steve is trying to unwind from the day by watching some mindless TV and having a beer, but he isn’t very successful. He can’t stop thinking back to the incident earlier, can’t stop worrying about Danny. Steve knows that he has to do something before worse things happen, but he doesn’t really know how to help Danny, when his partner keeps pushing him away. After what happened today, Steve should probably put Danny on leave, so he doesn’t get himself killed before Grace gets home from her vacation in England; but leaving Danny stranded with nothing to do at all can’t end well. He would be less likely to get shot, but he’d most definitely drink himself into a stupor before long.

It’s late when a knock on the door interrupts Steve’s thoughts. He isn’t expecting anyone, so Steve proceeds with caution when he moves to open the door. Experience has told him that late night visitors are seldomly good news.

To his surprise, Danny is standing on his doorstep and the expression on his face makes Steve’s gut twist. As far as he can tell Danny is sober, but he looks scared, almost panicked and there’s a look in his eyes that Steve would describe as haunted. Steve wonders what Danny has been doing, where he has been since he sent him home this afternoon.

“Danny, what-” Steve starts, but he’s effectively silenced by Danny’s mouth on his lips.

Danny kisses him hard and messy and desperate, like he’s a drowning man and Steve is his lifeline and all thoughts fly right out of Steve’s head. He can’t help kissing Danny back with the same intensity, his hands clutching at the other man’s shirt. He doesn’t have it in him to push Danny away, to question his own actions, he’s too damn glad that Danny is here right now, that Danny finally turned to him.

If this is what Danny needs right now, Steve is not going to deny it to him and who is he kidding anyway? He wants this, he wants _Danny_ so bad that it hurts. He’d already come to terms with the idea that he would never get more than the one drunken night at the hotel and now there’s a nasty, selfish part of him that’s determined to take whatever he can get, to make the most of it.

And Danny is driving him crazy. They’re still standing in the open door, trading open-mouthed kisses that are getting more and more urgent, and Steve’s heart is already racing in his chest. When they finally have to come up for air, Danny walks him backwards into the house, his hands never leaving Steve’s body, and kicks the door shut. There’s more kissing and touching, pushing and pulling, and it’s so different than last time now that there’s no alcohol clouding their brains. Steve wants to savor every moment, memorize every inch of Danny’s body.

Somehow they make it to the bedroom, Steve doesn’t remember how and he doesn’t care either, he only knows that he wants to get Danny out of his clothes, feel Danny skin on skin. It’s addictive; Steve simply can’t stop touching him, tasting him and he never wants Danny to stop making these noises.

Danny’s beard feels scratchy on Steve’s skin when his mouth trails down Steve’s jaw and neck, but it feels good, it feels real, the roughness somehow adding to the sensation and keeping him grounded at the same time. Steve digs his fingers into the strong muscles of Danny’s back, feels the coarse curls on his chest and belly and grips his hips tightly as he crushes their lips together again for an almost brutal kiss.

Danny isn’t gentle as he’s pushes Steve down on the mattress and divests them of their remaining clothes, but Steve doesn’t want gentle. He wants to feel everything, wants to carry the reminders of this night with him for the days to come, wants to make sure Danny remembers this, too.

The look in Danny’s eyes tells Steve that he feels exactly the same.

 

***

 

Steve is still gasping for breath when he slowly comes back to his senses. Danny is slumped across him, soft and pliant against Steve’s body and Steve allows himself to revel in the feel of Danny’s sweat-slicked skin on his for a little longer.

When Danny lifts his head to face him, the look in his eyes makes something warm unfurl in Steve’s chest. He lets out a content little sigh and leans into the touch when Steve reaches up to push a damp strand of hair from his forehead.

But Steve knows Danny is not going to stay.

Sure enough it only takes a few more moments until Danny’s expression changes abruptly and Steve can feel Danny’s muscles tense under his hands. In a matter of seconds Danny’s guards are firmly in place again.

It was expected, but Steve’s heart still sinks as he watches Danny dress in a hurry and turn to leave him yet again.

“You don’t have to go, you know,” Steve says and he’s surprised by how small his own voice sounds.

Danny pauses in the door, his hand gingerly touching the door frame. “I know,” he says without looking back and to Steve it sounds more than a little regretful.

 

***

 

Finding sleep is nearly impossible that night. Steve keeps flashing back to the previous hours.

His wrists are still a little sore from the way Danny kept them pinned against the headboard, forcefully enough to leave bruises. Exactly the way he wanted, this night has left visible traces on Steve’s body. He will be able to see the marks Danny has placed on his skin for days.

Steve can’t help thinking of the taste of Danny’s skin when Steve sucked a bruise on his neck, the stutter of his hips he got closer to the edge... and the look in Danny’s eyes right before he came, so open and vulnerable and full of emotion.

It was incredibly hard to let Danny leave when all Steve wanted was hold him close.

But Steve thinks he gets it now.

After his mother died, he too pushed everyone away who tried to comfort him. He shut everyone out and built solid walls around himself, because he was afraid that if he let his guard down once and someone touched him, he would shatter into a million pieces. He thought that if he allowed his feelings to come to the surface, even just a little bit, all levees would break and he would never stop crying again.

Steve recognizes a lot of this in Danny. He’s barely holding it together as it is, so Danny tries to keep it all in, shut the emotions out, all of them, but it’s too much and they’re far too close to the surface. Danny wants to push everyone away, so he can keep upright and function, but at the same time he seeks comfort in the only way he can stand. Steve can see that now.

But Danny isn’t like Steve, keeping his emotions bottled up won’t work for him. It isn’t how Danny ticks and Steve won’t let him become as damaged as himself.

 

***

 

Steve’s new mission is simple and yet complicated:

He will not leave Danny to his own devices any longer, no matter how hard Danny fights him. He’s going to stick around if he wants it or not and he’s not going to get discouraged. Steve hasn’t forgotten Danny’s description of the first six months after his divorce when Matt had sat with him every single night talking Danny down from the ledge. Taking a leaf out of Matt’s book now may be ironic, but to Steve it seems like the only option he has.

Step One is supplying Danny with sandwiches and malasadas during work hours. Of course, Danny claims he doesn’t want them, but Steve doesn’t leave the office before he has eaten his share. Steve isn’t blind, he has seen how hollow Danny’s cheeks have become. And it’s like killing two birds with one stone: He gets food into his friend and if Steve is stubborn and annoying enough, Danny may even grumble a little about partners with no respect for boundaries or the illegality of force-feeding officers of the law.

Step Two is keeping Danny company after work. The first night Steve just drops by Danny’s apartment with a six-pack of beer and invites himself in, ignoring the other man’s protests completely. Danny falls silent after a while and just watches as Steve prepares dinner in Danny’s tiny excuse for a kitchen. He doesn’t talk much, but he eats without further complaints and he drinks beer instead of whiskey, so it’s a win in Steve’s book.

Steve repeats the procedure over the following days. He tries to take care of Danny at work without fussing too much and in the evenings he either follows Danny home or abducts him to his own place. Sometimes Steve grills steaks for them, but most nights they just order in and drink their beer in near silence.

It’s not like before, but it’s something. Saying Steve hasn’t missed Danny, would be lying. He missed him when he was in New Jersey, but somehow he missed him even more when he was close and yet completely out of reach.

Of course, Steve doesn’t know if this is real progress or if Danny has just resigned to the fact that Steve will not be deterred. At any rate, he doesn’t have to worry about Danny starving himself or drinking himself to death anymore. Danny is still withdrawn and miserable, but he seems to be a little less on edge and when the adrenaline runs high during their case, Danny is back to relieving the tension by yelling at Steve.

The fact that this alone makes Steve ridiculously happy, probably says a lot about him.

 

***

 

One night it’s almost normal, as if nothing bad has ever happened.

They have settled on Steve’s couch with pizza and beer to watch a baseball game. Steve has no clue what’s going on or whom to root for, but Danny is much more animated than he’s been in weeks. He seems to enjoy the game and to Steve’s delight he rants at the TV once in a while. Danny even makes a few snide remarks about Steve’s outrageous lack of baseball knowledge; Steve takes them in his stride and smiles.

When the game is over, neither of them says anything for a long time, but this time the silence isn’t uncomfortable. When Steve glances in Danny’s direction after a while, he sees that Danny has nodded off on the couch. It’s been a long day and the exhaustion is finally taking its toll on Danny.

For a moment Steve thinks about getting a blanket for Danny, but then decides against it. He turns down the volume of the TV and sits as quietly as possible, afraid to wake his friend. Danny is slouched in one corner of the couch, his head lolling backwards in a way that is sure to give him a crick in his neck, but he still looks more at peace than Steve has seen him in what seems forever.

About an hour passes before Danny stirs and slowly opens his eyes. He blinks up sleepily at Steve, a fond smile spreading over his face. Seeing Danny once more with this unguarded expression makes Steve’s heart swell a little. He doesn’t say anything, afraid to break the moment, but even without Steve’s doing it’s over too soon. Steve can see Danny’s face shutting down the moment he becomes aware of his surroundings.

Danny is on his feet a second later, mumbling something about too much beer and long nights, and then he is gone.

It hurts, but Steve is not going to push it. He’s certain that there’s more to this thing between Danny and him than just sex. From his side it’s always been more than that, but Steve is certain that it means more to Danny as well, that it’s more than distraction from his grief, more than just losing himself in another body. Danny must know it, too - but it’s probably more than he can handle right now.

 

***

 

It’s 3 AM when Steve wakes up from the buzzing of his phone. As usual, he’s instantly alert, but when he checks the display and sees Danny’s face, his stomach clenches. A call from Danny in the middle of the night doesn’t bode well.

“Danny? Are you okay?” Steve asks, his heart already racing.

The voice on the other end of the line is low, the words slightly slurred. “Steve... I... can you pick me up? I’m at this bar, you know... the one we went to last month. I think I should leave now, but I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be driving...”

Steve lets out a breath. “Stay where you are, I’ll be there in a few.”

It takes him less than 20 minutes to get dressed and drive to the bar Danny mentioned. Sure enough, the Camaro is sitting in the parking lot. At least Danny hasn’t had a change of heart and decided driving home would be a great idea after all.

He finds Danny perching on a stool at the bar with his face buried in his hands and a couple of empty shot glasses in front of him. He looks up when Steve moves to sit right next to him.

“That was fast,” Danny mumbles. “Did you drive like a crazy person again?”

“You know me,” Steve snorts. “Shall we go? Is your tab settled?”

Danny nods and makes a dismissive gesture with his hand, that almost sweeps the shot glasses off the bar. It’s really about time for Danny to leave. Steve places a hand on Danny’s elbow. “Okay, come on!”

He climbs down from the stool surprisingly graceful, considering the fact that Danny isn’t able to walk in a straight line. Steve carefully braces his hand on the small of Danny’s back and steers him out of the bar and toward the truck.

Steve is about to open the passenger door for Danny, when he’s pushed against the car and Danny’s lips are on his. It’s hard not to respond, even though the kiss is sloppy and Danny tastes like whiskey and possibly cigarette smoke. But Danny is stupidly drunk and Steve is not, so this isn’t happening.

“Wait... wait...,” Steve tries, but Danny isn’t listening, so Steve shoves him away. There was no force behind it, but since Danny is already unsteady on his feet, the sudden movement makes him stumble. Steve instinctively reaches for Danny’s arm to steady him. “You okay?”

“Just peachy!” Danny snaps and jerks his arm away from Steve.

“You sure?”

“Jesus!” Danny bursts out. “What do you think? What do you think, huh? What do you want to hear, McGarrett?” He’s practically yelling now. “You know what? I’m not okay. I don’t know if I ever will be okay! My brother is dead, Steve. Dead!”

His words make Steve wince and Danny himself freezes the second they have left his mouth.

He’s staring at Steve, eyes wide with shock and Steve can see Danny’s anger recede until there’s nothing left. Danny blinks, opens his mouth and closes it again.

When the words finally come out, they’re barely audible. “My little brother is dead,” Danny chokes out, his face starting to crumple.

When Steve sees tears welling up in Danny’s eyes, he does the only thing he can think of. He grabs him by the shoulders and pulls Danny close, wrapping his arms firmly around him. For a moment he can feel Danny resisting, trying to pull free, but then Danny hands clutch at Steve’s t-shirt, as if holding on for dear life. Danny buries his face against the crook of his neck and presses close. Steve can hardly hear his quiet sobs, but he can feel Danny’s shuddering breaths against his skin and the heaving of Danny’s shoulders in his arms.

Steve just holds on, because he doesn’t know what else to do. But maybe this is exactly what Danny needs, maybe this breakdown was inevitable and it’s good that Steve is around for it. His breathing quietens after a while, but Steve doesn’t let go and Danny doesn’t seem to be in a hurry either. It’s only when Danny’s grip on his t-shirt loosens, that Steve finally releases the other man from his embrace.

Danny doesn’t quite look at him when he steps back, but Steve can see that Danny’s eyes are red-rimmed and puffy. Without saying a word, Steve opens the passenger door and Danny climbs in.

 

***

 

The drive is quiet. Danny is silent as he stares out of the window, looking drained and miserable, impossibly small in a way he never has. He stirs for a moment when he notices that they’re not on their way to Danny’s apartment complex, but he doesn’t argue. Even if he had, Steve would have insisted on taking Danny home with him. There’s no way he’s going to leave him alone tonight.

Steve parks the car and Danny just follows him inside. It’s past four in the morning, so Steve really can’t be bothered to prepare the guest room. Instead he just steers Danny towards his own bedroom. Danny doesn’t even throw him a questioning look, which speaks volumes about the state he’s in. Without further ado, Danny kicks off his shoes and plops down on the mattress. It looks like he’s out before his face even hits the pillow.

Unsure of what to do, Steve stands in the doorway for a few moments. He could let Danny have the bed and move to the couch. That’s probably exactly what he should do, leave Danny to sleep in peace, because God knows when the last time was the guy slept through the night. But Steve really doesn’t want to let Danny out of his sight. He has the irrational urge to stay with him, make sure he’s all right, keep him from running again.

With a sigh, Steve curls up behind Danny. When he carefully pulls him closer and nuzzles the nape of Danny’s neck, the other man makes a soft noise in his sleep and unconsciously shifts a little closer.

Steve lets out a deep breath as the tension he was holding begins to seep out of him. He falls asleep to the steady sound of Danny’s breathing.

 

***

 

When he wakes up, Steve doesn’t have to open his eyes to know Danny is still there. He is awake, too, Steve can tell, because Danny is idly stroking Steve’s arm where it’s wrapped around his waist. Steve’s heart-rate picks up a little but he doesn’t dare to move, he’s too afraid to make Danny bolt again. He contents himself with breathing in Danny’s scent and waiting, even though he’s not entirely sure what he’s waiting for.

They have lain in silence for a while, when Danny suddenly speaks.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” Danny says softly and Steve can hear him draw a shuddering breath. “I keep thinking... this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t failed. I should’ve stopped him.”

His words make Steve’s heart ache. “You tried,” he says against the nape of Danny’s neck.

“Then I should have tried harder,” Danny argues, but there’s no heat behind his words. “I should have shot him in the leg. He would’ve hated me, but he he wouldn’t be... he wouldn’t be dead,” he chokes out.

Steve can’t think of anything to say, but it probably isn’t necessary. Steve knows Danny wouldn’t have had it in him to hurt his little brother and Danny knows it, too. The rational part of Danny’s brain probably also knows that no one could have foreseen the eventual turn of events and that Matt’s death wasn’t his fault.

But who can be rational in a situation like this? Danny will have to find his own way to deal with all the guilt, the what-ifs, with all the unanswered questions and the missed opportunities. Steve knows this all too well.

When Danny speaks again, his voice sounds a little rough.

“How do you do it? How do handle it? I mean, first your mom, then your dad...” Danny trails off.

Steve sighs against the nape of Danny’s neck and thinks for a moment. “I don’t know. Repression. Distraction. You shouldn’t ask me, though. I’m the emotionally stunted one, remember?”

Danny huffs out a little laugh. It’s not much, but nonetheless it makes Steve’s heart feel lighter. Danny is still miserable and he will need time to process everything, to grieve, but at least he’s talking now, he doesn’t shut Steve out any longer.

When Danny speaks again, he sounds a little uncertain. “Steve? I... I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Steve asks, frowning against Danny’s hair.

“You know. For being an ass,” Danny clears his throat. “And... and the sex thing. It won’t happen again.”

Steve can’t help smiling a little at Danny’s choice of words. “I didn’t mind. And I wouldn’t mind of the sex thing happened again. I could do without the taking-off thing afterwards, though.”

He can practically feel Danny cringe. “Yeah, sorry. I didn’t think I could... I didn’t want to deal...”

“It’s okay,” Steve interrupts. “You don’t have to explain. I get it.”

Danny slowly turns around to face him, careful not to shrug off Steve’s arm across his waist, and looks at him in wonder. “You do, don’t you?”

It’s not really a question, so Steve just returns Danny’s gaze instead of answering. He’s happy to see that there’s a small smile playing on Danny’s lips now and this time his eyes are smiling, too.

Steve’s heart stutters in his chest as Danny scoots forward a little and places a light kiss on his lips. Danny doesn’t fight it when Steve pulls him closer and wraps his arms firmly around him.

“I could use some more sleep,” Danny says after a while and it sounds a bit muffled against Steve’s collarbone. He starts prodding and pushing Steve gently until he’s is on his back and Danny’s head is settled comfortably against his chest. “Better,” Danny murmurs sleepily.

Steve can feel a smile spreading across his face. He knows that things aren’t magically all right with Danny again, but now he’s sure they’re going to get there.

Together.

 

FIN


End file.
